By now, I think we’ve all heard about the 5 Love Languages.
If you haven’t, let me recap them real quick:
Words of Affirmation
Physical Touch
Receiving Gifts
Quality Time
Acts of Service
The idea is that we all have one or more dominant “languages” we most like to be spoken to in our relationships, particularly in our intimate partnerships. Many criticize the book, written by Gary Chapman, for having a narrow scope, including only heteronormal relationships, and being too Christian-oriented. I’d like to point out here that “The 5 Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate” was first published in 1992 by a Baptist minister.
Whether you are religious or not, I do think that there is truth to these 5 “languages”, but please stick with me because that is not what this post is really about.
I saw a short/reel/story/tiktok/whatever the other day, showing a mom smiling while doing various things around the house with her small children. The text was something along the lines of “If you think I’m oppressed, then you may be the one who is brainwashed.”
I saw a similar video snippet where a couple stood in the middle of the frame while their 5 or 6 kids gathered around them, with the call and response, “Why do you keep having kids?” followed by “God forbid we actually enjoy having children.”
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about households, families, traditional roles, oppression, privilege, choice, and the like.
Turns out, though, I really do love menial household tasks.
My favorite chore of all is folding and putting away laundry. It is so therapeutic and cathartic to me. I’ve had people reach out to me asking if I would fold theirs, and the truth is, I absolutely would.
In fact, I touched on this in a recent Note reply:
My other favorite thing to do is make food.
I usually make enough to share, not because I have to, but because I want to. I am usually only cooking for myself, but I’ll make huge batches of stuff so that A) there are leftovers, and B) I see it as an act of love, and therefore, by extension, I suppose an act of service.
So now you see how the intro ties into all this…
If I were to pick my top two Love Languages, they would probably be Acts of Service and Quality Time. Now, you’re not “supposed to” speak YOUR Love Languages to your partner. You’re “supposed to” speak theirs.
But, I would argue that in any relationship, emphasis “should” also be placed on appreciating all the many things our friends/family/partners do for us and with us.
The second you stop noticing and appreciating the little things… well, let’s just say, that’s a slippery slope.
Do I have to cook big batch dinners and make fancy snacks? No.
Do I get a huge surge of pleasure when people eat and enjoy the food I have prepared? Yes!
When I think on it, cooking and baking together were the first things my husband and I did together when we started dating right before quarantine happened in 2020. One time, I made a whole, huge batch of cookies for his fire station just because I wanted to lift their spirits.
And it goes beyond cooking for my spouse.
In early April, I was getting close to being done cooking a batch meal, when my husband looked up from his phone abruptly and said, “Do you want to go pick up [a couple and their 4-month-old baby]? Their car broke down.”
I said, “Sure, let me finish up real quick and then we’ll go.”
I put the last final touches on the meal, turned off the burner, put the lid on the pot, and we went to rescue them.
After a bit of coaxing, their car worked well enough to make it to our house, but we didn’t want them to take it on the highway to get to theirs.
So, we hosted them for dinner. Our house was a mess. We were not prepared in any way, shape, or form for guests.
But we fed them and talked for a long time. Their baby was sound asleep the whole time.
Eventually, my husband took them home in his car while I cleaned up.
Sharing a meal with them and helping them out was the best I’ve felt in ages. Washing the dishes and cleaning up… I saw it as an extension of love. A gift I was able to share.
They might not have felt like breaking down was a good thing, but it offered us time together, and that was extremely precious to me.
Ever since I was a little girl, all I’ve wanted was to one day be in one of those heart-meltingly adorable elderly couple relationships. My goal in life was to hit a 50th anniversary with my spouse.
Why?
Because I saw it modeled all around me, and I saw how beautiful and rewarding it could be.
Both sets of my Grandparents were married for longer than 50 years.
My mom and dad *would* still be together and celebrating 50 years together around this time had cancer not taken my father out of all of our lives prematurely.
My aunt and uncle, who were like a second set of parents to me, have been together for longer than siblings and I have been alive, so at least 40-some-odd years.
That’s why it was so important to me to find someone for whom this was also a goal, and a realistic one at that.
When I met my husband, I got a package deal on his whole family. They are incredible and have shown me even more love than I knew was possible. I especially adore my in-laws, who have also been married for over 50 years.
And that kind of love? It takes lots of work, lots of laundry, and lots and lots of food, prepared and cooked with love.
If I were to distill my entire point into one sentence, it would be this:
Don’t yuck someone else’s yum
If someone has 5 kids and is a SAHM. If someone has no kids and works 60 hours a week. If someone enjoys traveling the world and living nomadically. If someone enjoys being a homebody and quiet nights in.
It doesn’t matter as long as they are happy.
Let’s normalize joy in all its many forms.
Hey, you!
Boy, am I glad to see you here.
I love that you made it to the bottom of this post. Now that you’re here, would you consider taking a split second to like this post? I’ll consider it a compliment to the chef.
Do you also love to cook or have a favorite cleaning chore? Let me know in the comments!
Want to help me buy groceries? You totally can on CashApp, PayPal, or Venmo!
This really spoke to me in so many ways. I'm not a great cook like you, but I find laundry cathartic. I only do it for my wife and myself, but I actually have that book in my nightstand. More on this when you respond, but I'm glad you wrote this - truly. That's all for now, but thanks so much for writing this.